Actually, the remembrance month I’m proposing has a longer title:
“All Virologists and Molecular Biologists, And Doctors Who Are Neither, But Pretend To Be Both, And Dr. Deborah Birx Who I Understand Has Just Been Promoted From Cashier To Waitress In A Diner Off The Pennsylvania Turnpike Appreciation Month.” Thank you all for your service, we love you!
At a recent global virology conference in Davos, I interviewed Dr. Petunia Marigold-Regression about her work in the CDC Deli Lab in Brooklyn.
How’s the baloney?
We’re pushing tons of it out the door.
Did you isolate a new coronavirus, SARS-CoV-2?
We don’t isolate anything. Nobody does.
We sell STORIES about isolation.
Did you sequence a new virus?
We pretended we knew what the new coronavirus—if there had been one—would look like. We used old RNA sequences, by which I mean DATA, from research libraries, and utilizing a computer program from who knows where, we cobbled together a picture of a genetic sequence.
You sold another story.
Correct. We have house payments to make, and our kids attend shockingly expensive Ivy League colleges.
Your impression of Anthony Fauci?
He’s a bureaucratic god. Knows nothing about virology. He’s a master at working the system. We bow down before him.
So no new virus—which makes the test and the case and death numbers and the lockdowns and the vaccine all meaningless.
Right. The masks and the distancing are also absurd.
Why are you doing this?
Because it’s our profession. We’re Good Germans. We learn the language of lies and we use it. It’s either that or working as garbage collectors on the shoulder of some highway.
How much do you make a year?
With pharmaceutical perks, about 300 grand.
Do you sleep well at night?
With the drugs? Sure.
Do you dream?
I only remember one recurring dream. I’m being tortured in Hell.
What does Hell look like?
Mostly, a big department store. I’m always looking for lipstick, and I can never find it. And I’ve lost my platinum credit card.
Are you married?
For 20 years. My husband thinks I’m some kind of genius. He has no idea I sit in the lab all day and make up stuff.
Will you ever tell him the truth?
Are you kidding? I don’t deal in the truth. I have a strict policy about relating to other humans. I make up lies about the fact that I make up lies at work. It’s a two-tier system.
So why are you letting your hair down with me?
It’s amusing. No one would believe you if you reported what I’m saying.
That’s your protection.
A long time ago, I learned that the big con is the best con. Also, one lie naturally leads to another. Once you begin, your path unrolls before you like a red carpet.
You would have done well at the CIA.
I work at the CDC, which is the medical CIA. The CDC has infiltrated more media outlets and governments than the CIA could ever dream of penetrating. If I create a really useful lie on Monday, and it’s approved by my bosses on Tuesday, on Wednesday it’s transmitted to news organizations and government agencies from Greenland to Tierra del Fuego.
There’s a rumor you’ve been in talks with the Disney organization.
Yes. We’re developing a superhero-villain animated series for children. The hero is a chimp who looks like Fauci, and the villain is a vicious drunk who inhabits dark alleys. His name is Spike Protein.
Have you taken the vaccine?
You’re joking, right? I wouldn’t go near that thing. My whole family has a medical exemption.
Based on what?
We’re allergic to nanoparticles. One day we were all in the lab taking a tour, and a beaker exploded and showered us with nanos. We started blinking and glowing and for a few hours we lost about 20 IQ points. For example, I started believing my colleagues and I were actually discovering new viruses—that’s how dumb I became. Fortunately, I recovered after my daily jog.
Why do you think people are so fixated on viruses?
They need enemies. What could be worse than “tiny and invisible?” It’s the ultimate horror movie. If you try to tell them it’s all a fantasy, you’re kicking them out of the theater. That makes them unhappy. In my personal experience—I pretend I’m a liberal—liberals are hypochondriacs. A few little symptoms and they have to see a doctor. So they’ll believe anything they’re told about viruses.
You’re basically an actor.
Good point. That’s right. I’ve signed a contract. I’m in the film. If I back out, I’ll never work again. Let’s say they cast you as a cop. You’re on the set. All of a sudden, there are script changes, and the director comes to you and says, “We changed our minds. You’re now a dirty cop who deals heroin.” Are you going to say you don’t want to play that role? You have moral misgivings?
In the movie, you’re called to the White House. You’re in the Oval with the President. He says, “Doctor, the virus is out of control. My people tell me we’ve got 72 hours to come up with a vaccine or we’re all doomed.”
I say, “Yes, sir. We’re working to develop it right now. We’re using the antibodies of a man who just recovered at Walter Reed. It’s a long shot, but we’ve got a fighting chance.” The President says, “Somebody recovered?” I say, “Yes. He’s a janitor at a local school. Works himself to the bone to support his family. Ironically, he once tried to get into medical school, but because he’s an Eskimo and doesn’t read English, he was denied admittance. But now he has a chance to become a hero for the whole world…”
Have you taken the PCR test?
Eight times. Just for the fun of it. Even split. Came up negative four times and positive four times. I’ve framed all the notices. They’re hanging in our bunker.
The upscale bunker in Virginia, where the important people go in case of a global catastrophe.
And you’re on the list?
Of course. At the lab, we have a little inside joke. After the flood or the attack from outer space or whatever, the only people left on the planet are virologists. And none of us knows how to change a tire or repair a broken wire or read a compass or plant a seed. Our only public skill is giving lectures at conferences.
I was told the Google Home Page was considering using your photo to announce the celebration of Virology Appreciation Month.
Yes. The day before the photo shoot, I spent hours in makeup. I had my hair done and redone. And then Google decided to go with Louis Pasteur.
He worked with bacteria.
Bacteria, viruses. Close enough. Think about this. Pasteur was researching milk and wine, trying to find out why they went sour. And decades later, we have a process of protecting milk called pasteurization. I mean, what are the odds? That’s an incredible coincidence.
It’s not a—
Anyway, I have to get back to the lab. We’re developing a meat substitute made out of spiders.
You’re supposed to be—it’s a virology lab.
I know, but Bill Gates is putting money into fake beef.
I had a few more questions about DNA and RNA.
DNA, RNA—we throw those terms around like cooks slinging hash in a diner. Remember, the map is not the territory. And if it’s a fake map, there is no territory.
That’s a cryptic answer.
I’ll just say this. Don’t assume we can take some tiny, tiny particle and slice and dice it perfectly and put it into a human. Plus, there are always unintended consequences. Ripple effects. Some ripples are trivial, others are dangerous. The truth is, we’re liars. If you start there, you’ve got a firm foothold.
That almost sounds like you want to be exposed as a charlatan.
Part of me does. Carrying my role in the movie gets to be an onerous burden over time. Here’s a metaphor. Think of me as a drug trafficker whose business is expanding by leaps and bounds. Every month, I’m shipping more freight. The risks are multiplying. Thousands become millions become billions. Once I was worried about a single truck on the highway from San Diego to Chicago. Now I’m keeping tabs on a cargo ship pulling into the port of Miami.
Does the COVID RNA vaccine really force the cells of the body to manufacture one and only one protein every time? The “correct” protein?
Who knows? Can you find a large study that takes thousands of people who’ve received the shot and analyzes their cells to see what new proteins are being produced?
I’ve looked for that study. I don’t see it.
Well, that should tell you something. We don’t like studies which compare our work with the real world. We want all “knowledge” to come straight from the lab.
Where no outsiders are permitted.
Congratulations on Virology Appreciation Month.
Thanks. Good luck publishing this interview. I have an editor friend at The New York Times. I’ll give you his contact info. Send it to him. He’ll get a chuckle out of it. I’ve spilled the beans to him many times.
Of course, he never prints a word you say.
He works for the CDC. We both do. I’m pretty sure the guy who picks up the garbage at my house works for the CDC.